14. Thanks

It’s so easy, these days, to get sucked into negativeland. Today, even while listening to music and formulating this post, which is ostensibly going to be about thanks, I spent time trawling the depths of my fear and anxiety. I can’t separate them. For every “I’m grateful…” there’s a corresponding “but what about…” That’s not a great way to live and be. So that negativity aside, I’m going to try something I’ve never done before - in any serious manner.

Today is Thanksgiving here in the United States. Despite having somewhat cloudy roots, it is - for many people - a day of reflection, of giving thanks and for being with loved ones (oh…and of gluttony). It’s been an absolute shit year - but I do have things to be thankful for, and I’m going to try to articulate them. I’m also going to attempt to turn rant mode off! We’ll see if I’m successful.

Thanks to/for:

1. Wendy. If you could just see the toll this is taking on her. It breaks my heart every day. And yet, I know that unhesitatingly, she will be there 1,000 percent for me. Wendy, thank you for being my rock in this effluent filled river we find ourselves swimming in. May we be able to haul ourselves onto dry land soon.

2. Family. I’m thankful that many members of my family have reached out to express concern or desire to help. From a “come visit in France” to a “move to Phoenix” to a barrage of forwarded articles and suggestions, to phone calls offering love, check-ins and comments on this blog (both on blog and in private), my family is showing up with support. I hope they realize how important this is to me (and Wendy needs it too…)

3. Concern. Many people - friends, former colleagues and doctors have been there for me to help navigate this. There has been an outpouring of support - and I’m truly grateful for that. Despite the results of our national election, empathy still exists in these parts.

4. Science. Apparently, this is a really good time to have Alzheimer’s. It’s a crap thing to have - but much progress is being done on the medical front after far too long. So, thank you for your continued efforts, and hopefully before I dip too much further into the dementia pool, progress on reversal and halting will be made.

5. My past. I’ve lived a good life. I regret very little. When I lose that last stream of connection, know that. Again I thank Wendy for sharing so much of this life with me.

6. The A.C.A. Without the A.C.A. I probably wouldn’t have health insurance. Despite the sometimes overwhelming bureaucracy of the system (and the often uncaring underwriting process), I have been well covered financially and well cared for by doctors. (I wish I didn’t have to fight so hard to get that care, so that’s the downside to it.) Thank you to the doctors who have devoted their lives to combating diseases of all kinds.

7. Music. Clinical trials notwithstanding, my entire life has been made better because of the dedicated work of the musicians I love. Now that I know that listening to music might help slow the progress of the degeneration, I am even more appreciative.

8. Writers (and Writing). Similar to above. I read something every day. Now, I write something nearly every day. Even if it’s just a small amount, I know that it’s exercising my mind and forcing me to think. It keeps me remembering and reminds me to focus.

9. Advocates. Thank you to those who toil away at making our world a better place. Whether it be environmental, social, educational or (as really needed by this particular writer) pushing toward the right to self-determination as relates to death. May your hard work continue to bear fruit.

10. Being Alive. Right now, I’m still alive. I’m diminished for sure, but I’m still here. Trying to enjoy what's left. During that time, I’m going to laugh, love, fight, explore, travel, relax and care. I’m thankful for every continued opportunity.

Despite the often negative nature of previous posts, I remain hopeful for me, for Wendy, for my family and for the world. This is not the end, and these are not the end times!

Thanks for reading and Happy Holidays,

Dy